Biden's plan to fix inflation in 2023: a Walmart story
Starring Jerome Powell, Marty Walsh, and the man himself.
Two men walked back and forth on the pavement briskly — one with his hands on his hips and the other aggressively rubbing his temples.
“Marty, you nervous?”
“No shit. The last time I talked to him, he asked me whether we could rename the ‘CPI’.”
“To what?”
“индекс потребительских цен.”
A motorcade entered the compound. Five limousines led a Cadillac One, and five more limousines followed close behind. The Cadillac stopped right in front of them, and both men took a deep breath.
Enter: Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., the most powerful man on the planet.
“Heya Powell. How ya doin’?” asked President Biden.
“I’m fine, Mr. President.”, replied Powell as he started walking towards the Walmart entrance in front of him.
Marty Walsh cut in: “Mr. President, if I may, why are we here?”
The President frowned.
“Who’s this fella?” he asked, turning to Powell.
“Sir, he’s our Secretary of Labour. You asked for him.”
Biden squinted his eyes. He waved to dismiss his secret service agents — they had begun to close in on Marty Walsh. Biden cleared his throat.
“Men, we are here today for a simple reason. Inflation’s becoming a real threat,”
“However, no matter how hard times get, the government owes its people the truth. And with regards to inflation reporting, that’s not being done. Period.”
Powell and Walsh glanced sideways at each other. Needless to say, they were surprised. Just last week, Biden had ordered gas stations to bring down prices. The week before, he’d called on the Avengers to defeat ISIS. And now — he was astute enough to question statistics computed by the government?
They couldn’t help smiling.
Unfortunately, Biden continued.
“Take my toothpaste, for example.
For as long as I can remember, it’s costed seven bucks. And the quality’s kept up just fine. As you can tell.
So something doesn’t add up here! Run me through how we calculate the CPI. We can work on it from there.”, ended the President. He took a smartphone out of his suit pocket and passed it to Walsh — on its screen was a list of items at Walmart and their prices in previous months.
Again, Powell and Walsh glanced sideways at each other — except this time, they were both holding back their tears.
Marty Walsh wiped his eyes and cleared his throat.
“Well, sir, for a start, we do quality adjustments.
Let’s take this Calvin Klein shirt for example. In June, it costed $45. Now, it costs about $50. That’s like a 10% hike.
But this month, the quality of the shirt has increased. So since quality’s increased, CPI doesn’t reflect 10% based on this item. It reflects something like 2%.”
“How do you know quality’s increased?”
“Like, the cotton feels softer. You get me? Weather being warmer and all,”
The President nodded intently.
“Global warming’s real, man. Ain’t no damn joke,”
Walsh continued:
“We also look at whether alternatives are available.
Like these baby wipes went up 20%. But a suitable substitute, say, wet tissues, went up just 5%. We look at the substitute and end up recording 5%,”
“Why not tissue paper with bleach?”
“We’ll do that starting January, sir,” responded Walsh.
Joe Biden stayed silent for a while. He walked across the aisle, caressing a couple of sunglasses and bow-ties in the process.
“Not bad. However, you gentlemen forget one crucial variable when computing this magic inflation number…
And that is WHAT IT MEANS TO BE AMERICAN.”
The Commander in Chief continued:
“P&G’s stuff is reflected in our CPI. Amazon is reflected in our CPI. Hell, from diapers to food to drugs — price gouging is happening everywhere.
These greedy companies don’t deserve the honor of being included in our index. Hence, from today, only products from truly American firms will be included in our CPI.
The firms that aren’t profiting. The firms from which nobody’s buying!”
Powell and Walsh stared in disbelief at the President, as he examined a new pair of sunglasses.
“Sir… that’s unscientific… it’s…” started Jerome Powell.
“As I always say — I may be Irish but I’m not stupid. It’s America’s inflation, for Christ’s sake. Can’t include un-American rubbish,” replied Biden as he boarded his Cadillac.
Powell and Walsh stood there, silent.
“Off to Kerry’s house, Brad! We gotta solve climate change next!”
The driver smiled as he rolled up the side window.
“You got it, sir.”
If you enjoyed this piece, odds are, you’ll like this one, too. Cheers!
You can also follow me on Twitter @ramwithouthorns!
This piece is mostly me having fun. Don’t take it too seriously.
Quality improvements and availability of substitutes are very much considered in computing the CPI. Below are some useful readings from the Bureau of Labour statistics, if you’re interested:-
On substitution and other general stuff
P.P.P.S. I first learnt about flawed CPI computation from George Gammon. You can find him on Twitter here. First and foremost, credit for this piece goes to him. You can check out this video of his to further learn about CPI computation in 2022.
Image references:
https://www.nbcnews.com/business/autos/wanted-new-limo-carry-president-must-be-made-in-usa-n50911
https://www.theepochtimes.com/powell-is-nervous_4175787.html
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2021/05/13/bidens-ubiquitous-shades-showing-up-white-house-functions/5025076001/?gnt-cfr=1
https://www.newsnationnow.com/business/fancy-walmart-interactive-shopping-experience/
https://www.bloomberg.com/opinion/articles/2021-12-09/the-biden-economy-is-actually-doing-pretty-well
https://www.walmart.ca/cp/shop/online-shopping/6000203002146
https://www.wbur.org/news/2021/01/12/boston-mayor-marty-walsh-state-of-the-city
https://www.businesstimes.com.sg/opinion/is-powell-too-late-in-declaring-war-against-inflation-0
https://gregfallis.com/2017/01/11/probably-didnt-happen-but-still-entirely-believable/putin-laughing/
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